I am so afraid to be excited about seeing my kid because I feel like some invisible force has been hiding her from me. But I know that the day will come because every kid looks for their mother some day. And I will be so excited that I won't know what to do with it. Like, thinking about it makes me emotional lol. I am afraid to anticipate it. It is an entirely personal thing to my specific life and I hope that it doesn't make anyone sad. I bet a lot of people separated from their children, specifically mothers, feel the same way.
I am afraid to be excited about anything when it comes to my personal life. I get excited about music, movies, books, art, etc. But when someone is like, aren't you excited to publish or write or do anything for myself, it's like NO CAUSE I KNOW A DISASTER IS INEVITABLE HERE. I disaster rehearse despite knowing I'll probably still spiral if I experience said disaster. It sucks lol.
I'm about to leave for a study abroad program in Germany, and many have asked about my level of nervousness. I say that I'm equally nervous and excited which is true. Panic and excitement are truly on the opposite ends of a spectrum, and worries about academic performance, culture shock, pandemic concerns etc. have fluctuated. Now that the opportunity is finally here I know I have to maintain a positive mindset towards everything so I don't overcomplicate an already unique time. I always appreciate & cherish your introspection, Ashley!
All my life my parents, siblings, and friends have always complained that I don’t know how to enjoy anything. What they didn’t realize and what I didn’t realize until now is simply that I didn’t know how to be excited. I could be happy, it just wouldn’t show up how they expected to and what I imagined happiness to look like. You saying that panic and excitement live on the same street really brought this home for me. That’s the reason why. I too cannot panic, it simply does not happen in emergencies, but I’m able to think clearly and quickly as to how to save myself and others from dangerous situations. And it’s because of that I have a hard time getting excited. And I think I’m okay with that, when you put it that way.
Oh what a JOY to get this in my inbox. And I just booked a trip for my birthday in March which I am really really really afraid to be excited about because the last two Marches haven't been so great. It feels like it's not fair to get to go on a trip. And yet. So yeah, mostly just so excited for this newsletter and your words.
"How is it that a person with a history of panic attacks is also the best person to have around in an actual emergency?"...I so relate to this! I enjoy your newsletter. So many things you write just hit home for me.
Honestly, I'm afraid to be excited about anything, to the point that I may not be capable of it anymore. Like you, I am good in a stressful situation because I remain calm and immediately start figuring out what needs to be done. I also tamp down my emotions because they feel hazardous. I can't be disappointed if I don't get excited in the first place.
I’ve been afraid to ask myself some really questions about what I want from my life, but now I am finally starting asking them. Ive heard that this can happen when around 27. Sure enough, my 27th year has shown up.
I’m ready now because I’ve learned to let go the rules of my childhood and I’ve fumbled my way through the early 20s to get here. With enough experience and understanding of the world and myself, I can finally answer honestly. It’s not a replacement for doing the work in making these things happen. But I am ready. I’ve always said my 30s will be the best decade of my life, and I really can’t wait. It’s actually exciting.
I'm afraid of being excited that I've found my person. My rational mind is saying IT'S TOO SOON and YOU DON'T KNOW THAT THIS WILL BE DIFFERENT. It's just so out of character for me to be impulsive... but I really want to be!
Thank you so much for your words, Ashley. I've been working in crisis intervention services for 7+ years (and was a parentified child long before that) and the description of your panic button being broken rang so true for me.
This week I started my dream graduate school program. I'm so lucky to be learning how to do my dream job and I've waited so long for this. I took a lot of time choosing the degree, the school, everything and then I deferred for a year when the pandemic happened. But after working for 7 years I'm really struggling at being a novice at something again. I felt a lot of pride and self-efficacy related to my job and the feeling of starting from scratch is scarier than I had anticipated. I've found my negative self-talk has returned with a vengeance. I'm trying to figure out the balance of feeling my fear and anxiety (as opposed to my usual numbing) and not losing sight of the excitement and gratitude.
Yes, I'm scared of excitement. Your provocative question gave me pause to reflect upon how I react -- or under-react -- to circumstances/events/situations others respond with excitement. I rarely panic -- most especially when others are in demonstrable panic mode. I get very focused on saving, protecting, solving, addressing the problem, etc. Guess that comes with being one of the eldest of six children that had to grow up super fast. It is later when I'm alone that I feel the fear, sadness or exhaustion from what "handling" the situation cost me emotionally/physically.
I tend to tamp down excitement/joy/anticipation to minimize disappointment or soften the post-excitement landing. Self-preservation tactics are strong and challenging to adjust expectations of my self in the moment (while also trying to not judge myself to harshly or compare myself to others). These instinctive responses/reactions are five decades in the making.
I'm thankful for your thought provoking prompt, Ashley.
Oh my. Yes indeed. I’m so good in a crisis. I thought I learned it from my mother like baking or how to oil a squeaking hinge. But no, I learned it like she learned it in places of fear and danger. I don’t get excited about things generally until I’m right there, certain the thing is going to happen because I grew up with broken promises as a parenting technique.
I was excited to come to Scotland, where I am now, because I love it, have a safe place, and it’s so beautiful that I ache looking out the window sometimes.
A writer friend and I talk about blending emotion words to better reflect our muddled feelings. Nerv-cited is one we use a lot. Maybe we need to add pan-cited or excit-nic?
What a good question. Anxiety is not my problem. I've always been taught to be happy with what I have. And I'm hardly suffering. But is there more? Am I allowed to want more and reach for more? What do I even want? And will the rest of this year mean canceling all of our plans anyway? I'm afraid of wanting more and trying to be more and failing.
In Sarah Wilson’s book on anxiety, first we make the beast beautiful, she cites a study that the best leaders in times of crisis all suffered from types of mental distress - mostly anxiety - and that’s what made them so good at responding to crisis. When you’re used to expecting the worst, you’re great at reacting to it.
I’m afraid to be excited about how good I’ll feel in my body after top surgery. I’m afraid that even in a body I feel comfortable in, I still won’t be able to let go of society’s judgement and expectation. That I’ll still hide behind palatable clothes and not be able to wear whatever I truly want. I’m afraid my liberation attempt will fail and not live up to the fantasy in my head of what I’ll be able to do and be with a body I feel aligned with.
I am so afraid to be excited about seeing my kid because I feel like some invisible force has been hiding her from me. But I know that the day will come because every kid looks for their mother some day. And I will be so excited that I won't know what to do with it. Like, thinking about it makes me emotional lol. I am afraid to anticipate it. It is an entirely personal thing to my specific life and I hope that it doesn't make anyone sad. I bet a lot of people separated from their children, specifically mothers, feel the same way.
I am afraid to be excited about anything when it comes to my personal life. I get excited about music, movies, books, art, etc. But when someone is like, aren't you excited to publish or write or do anything for myself, it's like NO CAUSE I KNOW A DISASTER IS INEVITABLE HERE. I disaster rehearse despite knowing I'll probably still spiral if I experience said disaster. It sucks lol.
I'm about to leave for a study abroad program in Germany, and many have asked about my level of nervousness. I say that I'm equally nervous and excited which is true. Panic and excitement are truly on the opposite ends of a spectrum, and worries about academic performance, culture shock, pandemic concerns etc. have fluctuated. Now that the opportunity is finally here I know I have to maintain a positive mindset towards everything so I don't overcomplicate an already unique time. I always appreciate & cherish your introspection, Ashley!
All my life my parents, siblings, and friends have always complained that I don’t know how to enjoy anything. What they didn’t realize and what I didn’t realize until now is simply that I didn’t know how to be excited. I could be happy, it just wouldn’t show up how they expected to and what I imagined happiness to look like. You saying that panic and excitement live on the same street really brought this home for me. That’s the reason why. I too cannot panic, it simply does not happen in emergencies, but I’m able to think clearly and quickly as to how to save myself and others from dangerous situations. And it’s because of that I have a hard time getting excited. And I think I’m okay with that, when you put it that way.
Love the newsletter so far!
Keep going! :)
Oh what a JOY to get this in my inbox. And I just booked a trip for my birthday in March which I am really really really afraid to be excited about because the last two Marches haven't been so great. It feels like it's not fair to get to go on a trip. And yet. So yeah, mostly just so excited for this newsletter and your words.
"How is it that a person with a history of panic attacks is also the best person to have around in an actual emergency?"...I so relate to this! I enjoy your newsletter. So many things you write just hit home for me.
Honestly, I'm afraid to be excited about anything, to the point that I may not be capable of it anymore. Like you, I am good in a stressful situation because I remain calm and immediately start figuring out what needs to be done. I also tamp down my emotions because they feel hazardous. I can't be disappointed if I don't get excited in the first place.
I’ve been afraid to ask myself some really questions about what I want from my life, but now I am finally starting asking them. Ive heard that this can happen when around 27. Sure enough, my 27th year has shown up.
I’m ready now because I’ve learned to let go the rules of my childhood and I’ve fumbled my way through the early 20s to get here. With enough experience and understanding of the world and myself, I can finally answer honestly. It’s not a replacement for doing the work in making these things happen. But I am ready. I’ve always said my 30s will be the best decade of my life, and I really can’t wait. It’s actually exciting.
being seen
I'm afraid of being excited that I've found my person. My rational mind is saying IT'S TOO SOON and YOU DON'T KNOW THAT THIS WILL BE DIFFERENT. It's just so out of character for me to be impulsive... but I really want to be!
Thank you so much for your words, Ashley. I've been working in crisis intervention services for 7+ years (and was a parentified child long before that) and the description of your panic button being broken rang so true for me.
This week I started my dream graduate school program. I'm so lucky to be learning how to do my dream job and I've waited so long for this. I took a lot of time choosing the degree, the school, everything and then I deferred for a year when the pandemic happened. But after working for 7 years I'm really struggling at being a novice at something again. I felt a lot of pride and self-efficacy related to my job and the feeling of starting from scratch is scarier than I had anticipated. I've found my negative self-talk has returned with a vengeance. I'm trying to figure out the balance of feeling my fear and anxiety (as opposed to my usual numbing) and not losing sight of the excitement and gratitude.
Yes, I'm scared of excitement. Your provocative question gave me pause to reflect upon how I react -- or under-react -- to circumstances/events/situations others respond with excitement. I rarely panic -- most especially when others are in demonstrable panic mode. I get very focused on saving, protecting, solving, addressing the problem, etc. Guess that comes with being one of the eldest of six children that had to grow up super fast. It is later when I'm alone that I feel the fear, sadness or exhaustion from what "handling" the situation cost me emotionally/physically.
I tend to tamp down excitement/joy/anticipation to minimize disappointment or soften the post-excitement landing. Self-preservation tactics are strong and challenging to adjust expectations of my self in the moment (while also trying to not judge myself to harshly or compare myself to others). These instinctive responses/reactions are five decades in the making.
I'm thankful for your thought provoking prompt, Ashley.
Oh my. Yes indeed. I’m so good in a crisis. I thought I learned it from my mother like baking or how to oil a squeaking hinge. But no, I learned it like she learned it in places of fear and danger. I don’t get excited about things generally until I’m right there, certain the thing is going to happen because I grew up with broken promises as a parenting technique.
I was excited to come to Scotland, where I am now, because I love it, have a safe place, and it’s so beautiful that I ache looking out the window sometimes.
A writer friend and I talk about blending emotion words to better reflect our muddled feelings. Nerv-cited is one we use a lot. Maybe we need to add pan-cited or excit-nic?
What a good question. Anxiety is not my problem. I've always been taught to be happy with what I have. And I'm hardly suffering. But is there more? Am I allowed to want more and reach for more? What do I even want? And will the rest of this year mean canceling all of our plans anyway? I'm afraid of wanting more and trying to be more and failing.
In Sarah Wilson’s book on anxiety, first we make the beast beautiful, she cites a study that the best leaders in times of crisis all suffered from types of mental distress - mostly anxiety - and that’s what made them so good at responding to crisis. When you’re used to expecting the worst, you’re great at reacting to it.
I’m afraid to be excited about how good I’ll feel in my body after top surgery. I’m afraid that even in a body I feel comfortable in, I still won’t be able to let go of society’s judgement and expectation. That I’ll still hide behind palatable clothes and not be able to wear whatever I truly want. I’m afraid my liberation attempt will fail and not live up to the fantasy in my head of what I’ll be able to do and be with a body I feel aligned with.